(Shakespeare and Killer are standing on stage when Tom walks in.)
Welcome to the party! This ain't no disco, this ain't no wedding,
this ain't no foolin' around.
Tom - (to Shakes) - So glad to be here.
Killer - (to Tom) - Don't push, don't lean, don't show your face here, do I make myself clear? Now, go on, before I act out a little fantasy of mine.
Tom - (confused) - I'm sorry, there must be some misunderstanding, I thought you invited me here.
Shakes - (walks away from them, frustrated) - What do these people want?!?! My spleen ?!?!
Killer - (goes over to Shakes, pulling him back) - We're not like other people, we're artists .... with great talent comes responsibility.
Tom - (gruffly to Shakes) - I guess you think I'm not fully able to comprehend something like that, huh? Art, or whatever you call it.
Shakes - (interested
- enquiring of them both) - Do you have a taste for anything special?
Killer - (scoffing, goes and sits at the front of the stage) - I'm sick of my adorable taste.
Tom - (answering Shakes' question) - I like to whistle sometimes.
Killer - (jumping up to defend Tom) - Someone has paid a lot of bills for that sweet little mouth ... (angry at himself) you see how weak I am? I promised myself I was never going to tell you.
Shakes - (laughing at Killer's reaction) - Nothing is quite as sad as seeing a grown man pissing his pants.
Tom - (angry at
both of them) - I'm trying to think here, and between you, the coyotes
and the crickets, a thought don't get much of a chance.
(pushes them both away)
Killer - (to Shakes, referring to Tom) He never knew who he was.
Tom - (grabs Killer by the shirt, pulling him stage right) - I know who I am kid!
Shakes - (angry and despondent to himself) - I don't remember who I was before they sunk their claws into me.
Killer - (enthused
at this) - That was sounding real mysterious, but it was pretty threatening
at the same time!
(Tom and Killer go over to Shakes)
Shakes -(disagreeing with this) - I am not a leader of men, and neither are you! (pokes them both in the chest)
Tom - (shouting) - How dare you touch me you liar, you fake, you phony little fake!!!
Killer - (angrily) - You better show me some GODDAMNED RESPECT!!!!!
Shakes - (in disbelief) - The horror .... the horror.
Tom - (pushing Shakes) - I'm simply incapable of tolerating your bullshit.... Now if you follow me back to that party I'm gonna tear you arm off and beat you down the street with it!!
Killer - (to Tom referring to Shakes) - I hate talking to the donkey. (makes loud donkey noises)
Shakes - (to Killer) - What gives you the right to judge me? Is it because you're so much holier than anyone else?
Tom - (to Shakes) - What do you want, an award... you want some kind of medal?!
Shakes - (shouting at both of them) - HEY! Dont you ever say that to me. I'd rather somebody picked up a crowbar and battered out my brains!
Killer - (laughing at Shakes) - You should have seen the look on his face! He about pooped his pants!
Shakes - Are you trying to quarrel with me? I think you're trying to humiliate me. Are you satisfied, am I sufficiently disappointed?
Killer - (to Shakes) - You think this is some philosophical decision I took? No! For me, you're somewhere between a cockroach and that white stuff that accumulates at the corner of your mouth when you're really thirsty!
Tom - (at Shakes) - YOU ..... UGLY ..... BABBLING ..... OLD WITCH!!!
Shakes - (angrily at both of them) - I've about had it with the insults buddy! You think you're the only one in the brain department here?
Tom - (angrily walking away) - I can't work under these conditions! It's too hot!
Killer - (to Tom, pulling him back) - Hey! Don't be telling me what we are gonna do boy!
(they each, in turn, clip each other over the back of the head, a la Lee - Tom to Killer, Killer to Shakes, Shakes to Tom, then back the other way again)
Tom - (calming down) - I want to apologise for some of the things I said before, I was unnecessarily offensive.
Killer - (agreeing) - You might call it a fracture in the soul that left me with a taste for oblivion.
Shakes - (laughing their argument off) - The irony is so thick you could choke on it.
Tom - (amiably, hopefully) - Am I to demote myself to the tepid position of friend?
Killer - (encouragingly) - You've proven quite a useful mammal.
Shakes - (urging them to stay) - One beer please. (gets three beers and hands them out)
Tom - (toasting) - One for all and all for one!
Killer - I've always been kinda partial to endings myself.
(they stand in a triangle, grabbing the front of each other's shirt, and down the cans of beer, finishing them, screwing up the cans and proceed to bounce them off each other's heads)