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"What they didn't tell you - what you couldn't possibly know."
A play in exmalkorism.


(Shakespeare and Killer are standing on stage when Tom walks in.)

Shakespeare - Welcome to the party!  This ain't no disco, this ain't no wedding, this ain't no foolin' around.
Tom - (to Shakes) - So glad to be here.

Killer - (to Tom) - Don't push, don't lean, don't show your face here, do I make myself clear?  Now, go on, before I act out a little fantasy of mine.

Tom - (confused) - I'm sorry, there must be some misunderstanding, I thought you invited me here.

Shakes - (walks away from them, frustrated) - What do these people want?!?!  My spleen ?!?!

Killer - (goes over to Shakes, pulling him back) - We're not like other people, we're artists .... with great talent comes responsibility.

Tom - (gruffly to Shakes) - I guess you think I'm not fully able to comprehend something like that, huh?  Art, or whatever you call it.

Shakes - (interested - enquiring of them both) - Do you have a taste for anything special?
Killer - (scoffing, goes and sits at the front of the stage) - I'm sick of my adorable taste.

Tom - (answering Shakes' question) - I like to whistle sometimes.

Killer - (jumping up to defend Tom) - Someone has paid a lot of bills for that sweet little mouth ... (angry at himself) you see how weak I am?  I promised myself I was never going to tell you.

Shakes - (laughing at Killer's reaction) - Nothing is quite as sad as seeing a grown man pissing his pants.

Tom - (angry at both of them) - I'm trying to think here, and between you, the coyotes and the crickets, a thought don't get much of a chance.
 (pushes them both away)

Killer - (to Shakes, referring to Tom) He never knew who he was.

Tom - (grabs Killer by the shirt, pulling him stage right) - I know who I am kid!

Shakes - (angry and despondent to himself) - I don't remember who I was before they sunk their claws into me.

Killer - (enthused at this) - That was sounding real mysterious, but it was pretty threatening at the same time!
(Tom and Killer go over to Shakes)

Shakes -(disagreeing with this) - I am not a leader of men, and neither are you! (pokes them both in the chest)

Tom - (shouting) - How dare you touch me you liar, you fake, you phony little fake!!!

Killer - (angrily) - You better show me some GODDAMNED RESPECT!!!!!

Shakes - (in disbelief) - The horror .... the horror.

Tom - (pushing Shakes) - I'm simply incapable of tolerating your bullshit.... Now if you follow me back to that party I'm gonna tear you arm off and beat you down the street with it!!

Killer - (to Tom referring to Shakes) - I hate talking to the donkey. (makes loud donkey noises)

Shakes - (to Killer) - What gives you the right to judge me?  Is it because you're so much holier than anyone else?

Tom - (to Shakes) - What do you want, an award... you want some kind of medal?!

Shakes - (shouting at both of them) - HEY! Dont you ever say that to me.  I'd rather somebody picked up a crowbar and battered out my brains!

Killer - (laughing at Shakes) - You should have seen the look on his face!  He about pooped his pants!

Shakes - Are you trying to quarrel with me?  I think you're trying to humiliate me.  Are you satisfied, am I sufficiently disappointed?

Killer - (to Shakes) - You think this is some philosophical decision I took?  No!  For me, you're somewhere between a cockroach and that white stuff that accumulates at the corner of your mouth when you're really thirsty!

Tom - (at Shakes) - YOU ..... UGLY ..... BABBLING ..... OLD WITCH!!!

Shakes - (angrily at both of them) - I've about had it with the insults buddy!  You think you're the only one in the brain department here?

Tom - (angrily walking away) - I can't work under these conditions!  It's too hot!

Killer - (to Tom, pulling him back) - Hey!  Don't be telling me what we are gonna do boy!

(they each, in turn, clip each other over the back of the head, a la Lee -  Tom to Killer, Killer to Shakes, Shakes to Tom, then back the other way again)

Tom - (calming down) - I want to apologise for some of the things I said before, I was unnecessarily offensive.

Killer - (agreeing) - You might call it a fracture in the soul that left me with a taste for oblivion.

Shakes - (laughing their argument off) - The irony is so thick you could choke on it.

Tom - (amiably, hopefully) - Am I to demote myself to the tepid position of friend?

Killer - (encouragingly) - You've proven quite a useful mammal.

Shakes - (urging them to stay) - One beer please. (gets three beers and hands them out)

Tom - (toasting) - One for all and all for one!

Killer - I've always been kinda partial to endings myself.

(they stand in a triangle, grabbing the front of each other's shirt, and down the cans of beer, finishing them, screwing up the cans and proceed to bounce them off each other's heads)

(black out)